Lord, Help Me....

 

Lord, help me if I’ve ever have to live by myself.

Having spent a few days these past weeks with some of my bachelor friends I can safely say that this type of life doesn’t seem to be good for them and I’m certain it isn’t for me. I don’t think I would survive for very long in that kind of environment. I need help. I need help all of the time. Not just some of the time.

I might also suggest these bachelor friends of mine need help, lots of help.

First off, let me clarify that these are old guys, not youngsters waiting to be married; all of these guys have been married and married again at some time or another. Their wives either died or left them or perhaps both, I’m not sure. I don’t really want to know either.

The first thing I notice is a lack of personal grooming skills. Most of these fellows have Brillo pads growing from their noses and ears. This stuff really starts to move on you as the years go by. I can almost hear mine getting longer each night. I have several sets of industrial size clippers to weed eat that stuff back to a presentable stage, but it takes time and effort. You can’t just let it grow or it will get away from you in a few short weeks. These men apparently never look at themselves very closely in the mirror. Perhaps their failing eyesight contributes to this issue.

Next is their clothing. They don’t wear pressed stuff. Some of their shirts look like they have slept in them. Not one of them knows how to iron. Wash and wear seems to be the order of the day. Old wash and wear at that. The towels smell musty and I suspect my friend washes them when they get stiff, but not before. . My wife rotates these on a regular basis. Bless her heart, I really do appreciate her. Especially after being around these guys for a day or two.

I spent the night with one of them and opened the refrigerator, this was a mistake. He had some old blue (or moldy) cheese, two partial six packs of beer, three cans of root beer, several carrots, a half-eaten apple and several cartons of milk. He also had some dog food, but no dog. I didn’t ask. There were some takeout food containers which I suspect could be used for a mold growth experiment without any trouble at all. A couple of the milk cartons looked solid and might be in the process of making cheese. Oh, yes, he had a roll of paper towels on the bottom shelf, next to what I think might have been a cabbage at one time. Then again, it might have been a human head, but I don’t think he is a serial killer, or at least I hoped not. Old guys do weird stuff.

A big screen television in every room, with two or three remotes for each set. One for the TV, one for the DVD and last but not least …one for the VHS. He probably has an eight-track player in there somewhere. My friend is like Diogenes …walking around the house always looking for the correct remote. I suggested he buy a universal one that worked all of the units, but he avoids new technology as much as possible unless it’s a new truck, then you can count him all in.

I went to dinner with the old guys group. This is an experience you want to avoid if at all possible. First off, if you must go…try to get to the head of the line to place your order. By the time this group gets finished eliminating the salt, fat, carbs, red meat, sugar, gluten, peanuts, spices of any kind, or non-decaffeinated coffee you are no longer hungry. They cannot place these orders without telling everyone within ten feet about their irritable bowel syndrome or recent colonoscopy.in many cases they want to show off their latest scars to anyone willing to see them.  The waitresses and waiters run to the other side ( some of the customers move to another table as well) of the room when this group starts to sit down.

These guys can manage e-mail but don’t do as good on texting, their fingers are too stiff. I would not be surprised if some of them still use film cameras.  One guy the other night  had a pager on his belt. I bet that industry is dead and gone. How did he get one anyway? I thought they quit making them years ago. Conversation doesn’t focus too much on technology as some of these guys still think their fax is very progressive. Most of the discussions concerned things that happened in the fifties and sixties and stayed there. It was like three hours of a History channel documentary. All we needed was Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan to top off the evening. I think I saw Elvis, but I’m not real sure. Several of the guys swore they saw him last week.

I’m being cruel, these are really nice guys and I’m picking on them. I just hope I never fall into this trap and stay there. I like my life and I like having a wife. I suppose they did as well at one time or another, but those days are long gone. They are probably wishing they had someone to fuss at them for leaving the toilet seat up all the time.

I know I’d miss my someone and I bet deep down they do as well. Or perhaps not, as they say…different strokes for different folks…

 

See you next week…Peary Perry