LT. ZORN REPORTS...

 

LT. ZORN REPORTS ….

 

To: Colonel Xerk, Planet Agent Assignment Commander, section4N

Report: Oct, 2016 (Earth time0

Translation code: use Lp#6759

Colonel…as you are aware I have been exiled to this forsaken planet for many years. I feel certain my exile was due to my perceived insult to the Supreme Commanders wife at the annual Galactic Star Ball. Obviously, I cannot recall my statement about the width of her posterior, but it was said as a jest and not intended to be overheard, unfortunately the music stopped just as I whispered the comment. Please convey my apologies to her, again.

As this part of the planet where I am marooned is going into what they refer to as ‘the election cycle’, I thought I would report on the complete madness of these so-called ‘humans’.

To me, none of this makes any sense to me at all. Apparently, it is perfectly acceptable for each and everyone of the persons vying for political office (they are called ‘candidates’) to lie about virtually everything without impunity. The process is called ‘an election’ and these elections are held at all levels of authority in what is called, ‘the government’.

Each and every ‘candidate’ will stand up in a crowd of humans either in person or on their various means of communication and boldly proclaim the following:

If elected, I will:

Reduce crime

Reduce taxes

Spend more money on social programs (this is conflicting with item #2)

Eliminate poverty

Clean up the environment

Stop illegal immigration

Allow foreign people to enter the country

Free medical care for everyone

Reduce excessive profits on businesses

Because we live in a different type of society, it is very confusing for me to understand just how the so-called government actually generates any method of revenue production to actually pay for all of these objectives. I have found that the ‘government’ actually functions as a result of its collection of these ‘taxes’ which are produced by entities known as companies or corporations as well as the citizens themselves. These entities produce products or services for which they receive currency and then are required to send part of their currency earnings to the ‘government’ so they can pay for services and benefits to the members of the society who do not choose to work and earn currency.

I am certain there is a hidden agenda to this concept as it would appear to me that at some point in time all of these citizens would choose to stop working and just be provided for by the ‘government’, who cannot actually generate any of the so-called currency necessary to complete this task.

Since my assignment here some 25 Earth years ago, I have been attempting to discover their hidden secret and just how it works. These humans must be smarter than we have imagined, otherwise they could very easily see for themselves just how unstable their entire plan is and how it is doomed to complete failure within a relative short period of time. They must know more than we think they know. We should not underestimate these beings.

As much as it pains me to say this, I would request to stay here for some additional time before you reassign me to some other black hole in the universe. I would like to observe how these ‘earthlings’ extricate themselves from this potential financial and economic disaster.

I think we should hold off on the proposed invasion of this species until I obtain more information on their secret plan.

These beings must be much smarter than we are giving them credit at this time. Any physical being that can stand up and distort the truth and reality over their means of communication (television, radio, internet, publications) to literally millions of their citizens and still get elected as their authorized leaders must have some nefarious, evil agenda that we cannot conceive of at this time.

We should not rush to judgement on these beings even though they appear to be frail and often silly in their appearances.

Therefore, I shall remain at my assigned post until I have more information to report to you.

Please give my regards to your family and please try again to express my apologies to the Supreme Commander’s wife once more.

Respectfully, your humble and obedient servant,

Lt. Zorn, (agent W4599)

 

 

 

 

 

 

PACKAGING....BAH

 

PACKAGING…BAH

A point I’ve made in the past concerns product testing. I would assume (perhaps falsely) that when a product is designed, before it’s put into production, someone (I don’t care who) actually tries to use it. Perhaps have steel enclosed cases for teenagers and tissue paper wrapping for old folks.  I know this may sound irrational, but just call me crazy, what do I care?

I mean to me this is only logical. But having said this I’m beginning to wonder if the word ‘logic’ and ‘common sense’ can be used in the same sentence. I know it can’t be when you say ‘government’…..you can never use ‘logic’ at the same time with common sense. It doesn’t work. I think it’s kind of like those spelling rules we learned in elementary school…..you know… ‘i’ before ‘e’ or something like that.

To prove my point let’s examine a few products I know we’ll all familiar with and that you can probably relate to:

Plastic cereal bags inside the box - The way I figure it, the intention of these bags is to insure freshness for something like two hundred years. I don’t know if there is an expiration date on a cereal box, but in my opinion, there isn’t any reason for one to exist. Unless you open one of these, there simply isn’t any way for air, water, moisture, steam, sweat, carbon dioxide or any other element to destroy the natural snap, crackle and pop of your favorite breakfast meal. The fact that you have to use something on the order of tin shears to open a bag should be an indication of how serious the manufacturer is about keeping their stuff fresh. If George Washington had these at Valley Forge, the ones unused could still be used in the ongoing conflict in the middle east.  

Speaking of tin shears, if you drink wine, keep those babies out on the kitchen counter. It seems the wine companies are sealing their bottles with tin and are almost impossible to cut open so you can get to the cork. Wine in a box is looking more and more attractive to me. Since the government tracks everything, I wonder just how many wine related injuries are reported each year?

Medicine bottles (see how easy it is for me to transition?) don’t need any comment as we all know how difficult these are to open. They are obviously ‘child proof’ but after trying open one where you have to squeeze and then press down or press down and then squeeze, you end up spilling the pills out on the floor and you think your dog has grabbed a couple and wolfed them down. So, you grab the animal, open their mouths and not finding anything, go back and try counting the pills to see if they are all there, of course everyone knows that loose pills on the floor get snapped up as quick as a wink. However, when you try to insert a pill into a dog, he will carry it around in his mouth for up to three days and then vomit it out on your pillow as you are trying to go to sleep. I’m careful with my vitamins and supplements and haven’t had this problem, but a friend of mine with E.D told me his dog embarrassed himself at a birthday party for their family. This is probably one of those urban legends.

Thank God for Spotify and Amazon Music. They have saved us from those open proof CD ‘jewel’ boxes? I’ve found the best way is to just take a hammer to one and smash it open, and then I buy another case for it from some electronics store. It saves me a lot of grief and frustration. Of course, you have to be careful that you don’t crunch the CD, I’ve done that a time or two.

I’ve saved the best for last. Those ‘clam shell’ cases that are used to package just about everything. Tin shears are not useful for these. You need industrial saws and drills; sometimes a sledgehammer is most effective. By the time you actually touch the product, you’re so mad and worn out… all of the joy of buying it in the first place has melted away and you’re hacked at yourself for getting all sweaty and frustrated over a piece of plastic. I realize these are designed to prevent theft, but couldn’t they work a deal out where they would actually open the box for you after you have paid for it? Who hasn’t cut their hands or fingers on one of these? A paper cut is sissy stuff compared to one of these.

My original point was that I don’t see how anyone in their right mind could package these things and then not try to see how easy or difficult they were to open. But there I go using logic again. If they do use any sort of product tester, they must be about fifteen years old and into heavy body building.

I was watching the nuclear buildup going on in Iran and I think I have stumbled upon a reason. Iran’s population is getting older and they need to build some sort of nuclear device to help their aging population open these Western packaging issues. We are to blame.

We might want to consider looking into this as well. Tin shears and electric saws don’t seem to be working for me.

What’s your solution?

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Thanks, see you next week…Peary Perry

 

SMART? HAHAHA

SMART? HAHAHA

Most of you know that I tend to stay on topics concerning today or tomorrow. I do not focus on ‘the good old ‘days. But today I am going to make an exception when it comes to so-called ‘smart’ appliances.

We moved to the country 2 years ago this weekend and we love it. The house that our son built for us (thank you very much!) came with all new appliances, most of them the ‘smart’ kind.

Last week the igniter on our oven went out. The factory warranty was for 1 year. The repairs for a $40 part cost us 1/3 the total price of a new oven. Made me remember what we used to ‘ignite’ the oven by ticking a match to a hole in the bottom of the oven. That seemed to work well for us when I was growing up and I can’t recall ever having any repair guys come out to our house when I was a kid.

My point is, just why in tarnation do we need ‘smart’ appliances for things that can be done by ourselves? I recall seeing refrigerators with computer screens and cameras to tell you what grocery items you needed to buy or what product has expired.

I use the time and true method to test for expired dates. First does it smell bad? Second, if it’s a liquid, does it flow out of the container or come out in lumps? Third, does it taste all right?  I’ve found cans of vegetables in the back of the pantry that were several years past their ‘expiration’ date and used them. No one died from any of this.

Just how many appliances do you need keeping up with your grocery list? My oven has an app on it to give you recipes and to keep up with your grocery needs. I find a piece of paper with a pencil on the cabinet does a much better job and I can take that with me to the store.

I resent these things having control over my life and making decisions for me that perhaps I don’t want or need. Like many of you, I grew up with water straight out of the tap. No filter, no plastic bottle, just a glass water bottle that needed to be refilled from time to time. My refrigerator has a filter on it that requires it to be changed after a certain period. If you go past the expiration period, the ice maker and water dispenser shuts down. What if want to drink ‘unfiltered’ water? Maybe I like it. How come you are forcing me to do something I might not want to do? We have another refrigerator out in the store room. The ice maker on it was a dud, I bet we had a repair guy out to fix it 5 or 6 times. It made me think back to when you just put water in trays and stuck them into the freezer and voila, after an hour or so you had ice cubes.

Some folks have those ‘smart’ thermostats that adjust their heating and cooling automatically.  Personally, I don’t trust those either. If it’s hooked to the internet, then it seems to me the government can decide about how cool or warm my house should be. Same thing goes for my car. My insurance company requires me to install a little plug-in device that watches how I drive and rewards me with better rates. I think I’m a good driver and appreciate the rate I get, but I don’t need ‘atta boy’ compliments via texts each time I drive back from the store. I consider a ‘good drive’ to be one in which no person or object was damaged. I certainly don’t appreciate being given a sad face when I hard brake. As much as I love having a GPS in my car for directions, I do not like it when you make a wrong turn or miss an exit. Looks to me like they could scold you a little better when they tell you to turn around or make a U-turn instead of shouting out ‘YOU ARE GOING THE WRONG WAY’. I already know I’m going the wrong way; I don’t need anyone yelling at me, especially some non-humanoid thing of undeterminable sex or description.  

Last part of this rant is the never-ending practice of asking for a ‘survey’ after you make in inquiry of some sort about something. Let me state up front that I doubt that any one actually reads or listens to my responses and that no survey is actually ‘short’. They are lying to you about this. If you report everything as horrible and ‘worst’ service ever. No one ever checks back to see why you said this. In the space marked for comments, several times I pasted the batting averages for various baseball players of years gone by. Not once has anyone ever asked me why or to explain.

I was going to continue on about several other topics, but Alexa is telling me I should quit now and rest for a while. Perhaps, she/he is right, I need to calm down for an hour or so. I told her/him and she said that was fine with her/him.

George Owell, we are here…it’s 1984 in the year 2026.

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See you next week…Peary Perry