WHAT A GUY !!!!

 

WHAT A GUY !!!!!!!

Some of you may recall that I wrote a weekly humor column (Letters from North America) for over 25 years for about 100 small newspapers around the country. From time to time, folks would send me articles and pieces of information.

This is my favorite of them all. This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU.

3A. In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you better, we ask you to answer the following question:

Are there any significant experiences you have had,  or any  accomplishments you have realized, that helped define you as a person?

I am a dynamic figure often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and God like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up several inclines with unflagging speed. I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water I once single handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of vicious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of several documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban Hang-Gliding periods on Wednesday after school.  I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller #9 and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat 400.  My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week and when I do I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. On weekends to let off steam I participate in full contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary 4 course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bull fights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played hamlet, I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken to Elvis. But I have not gone to college.

He was accepted….

Have a good week…

 

See you next week….Peary Perry

 

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BEST OF ENEMIES

 

BEST OF ENEMIES …

There is a great documentary entitled “Best of Enemies” which came out in 2015. It is the story of the William F. Buckley Jr.  and Gore Vidal feud.

Both of these men were educated, well off and came from similar backgrounds in the US.

That’s where it stops. Buckley was a conservative and Vidal was a liberal. Both were extremely passionate about what they believed.

The documentary leads up to their debates and their confrontation at the 1968 presidential conventions. As you may recall, Buckley lost his temper at the Democratic convention in Chicago and called Vidal a ‘Fag…’ on live television. It was a powerful moment for all to see.

My point leads us back to today’s condition in our country. This week, the election proved how divided we are in this country, some of us were sad, others joyful. It depended upon your own personal point of view.

My question is simple, I, like Buckley, do not understand the mentality of those who agreed with people that think like Vidal did.

This election brought us some very interesting and confusing (in my opinion) points of view from the liberal candidates.

We had candidates that brought up the following points to be agreed with:

1.     Men can choose to become women and get pregnant. I only ask someone to explain to me what part of my male body that I am currently living with that could produce and carry a baby for 9 months?

2.     There should not be any parental restrictions on what a child can be exposed to since everything is readily available on the internet. Am I as a parent duty bound to instruct my 4-year-old how anal and oral sex is handled? Should I find out how the ‘Dark Web’ is found just so they can know where these sources of information can be found?

3.     People who steal are only doing so out of necessity and it is our responsibility to provide for them? So, if I own a corner grocery store that I built and maintained for years to provide for my family. I should not be offended if a mob enters my store and takes every piece of my inventory because they needed it? What keeps me from deciding that I don’t want to open a store and put up with the hassle and just join them to support my needs?

4.     We are told to accept immigrants to this country because they need a better place to live but they don’t have to assimilate into our culture or respect our laws. So, I am just requested to roll over and play dead when someone breaks into my house and rapes my daughter and is not charged with any crime because he ‘didn’t think it was against the law’ and is acceptable behavior in the country he has fled from?

5.     It is acceptable for grown men to appear completely naked in women’s bathrooms and locker rooms to shower or whatever with naked women because they have seen naked men on television and it isn’t any different in real life. I conclude that the television can be turned off if wanted.

6.     Parental controls are outdated and parents should have no control over the decisions their children wish to make. It’s their lives and how they choose to do so or what they believe is up to them. So, my responsibility for my child basically ends at birth and my children are to be left to the will of the government or the will of the world for them to mold and shape? Am I to abandon my children and let them find out on their own about the things that can hurt of endanger them?

I think you can see where I have problems with these positions which were all expressed very clearly by various candidates before last Tuesday.

Like Buckley, I am puzzled how we have drifted so far apart. I do not deny the sincerity of the liberal faction in our country. I just cannot understand the long game that seems to be in play.

Both sides must certainly have their valid points. But isn’t it a shame that we have drifted so far apart that there doesn’t seem to be any middle ground we can stand upon and come to mutual agreements for us all?

History repeats itself in both examples and the results are not pleasant to read or study about. Both extremes will lead to the eventual collapse of our society.

See you next week, Peary Perry  

 

THERE AIN'T NO FREE LUNCH...

 

THERE AIN’T NO FREE……ANYTHING.

 We are all aware of the practice behind the saying…. “Free Lunch”. Back in the old, old days, bars and saloons offered ‘free’ lunches just as long as you bought something to drink. Try mooching off a lunch snack without buying at least one beer and see what would happen. 

Today, it seems as if that concept has escaped a large segment of our society, hasn’t it?

We have huge groups of our population demanding free this and free that…free everything for everyone. Last week I read about a group starting a so-called ‘tenants union’. This was designed for folks who rent apartments to be exempt from paying rent to a landlord if they were members of this union. They consider landlords and property owners to be nasty capitalists.

Consider this issue, if you will. You locate a piece of property, save or borrow enough funds to construct an apartment building and then your tenants decide they do not think it is fair to pay the greedy landlord any monthly rent. How is the going to work? What is my incentive to build and maintain a sizeable investment that produces zero revenue? Am I going to eventually walk away and refuse to have anything further with the property and cut my losses? You bet I am.

Look at New York City, they are in the process of taking possession of private property (apartment buildings) and converting them into condo associations belonging to the tenants. Now, since many of these properties are currently rent-controlled and not producing enough monthly revenue for upgrades and proper maintenance, how will private ownership improve their situation? Will the new owners have access to volume discounts for service and wholesale pricing? Of course not.

New York is also trying discounted supermarkets so people can buy items at very low prices. Supermarkets operate on very small margins of profit to begin with. How long do you think these facilities will last if they continue to lose money each month? Not long unless they are subsidized by the taxpayer. There is a reason there are so called ‘food deserts’. No profit-making entity is going to continue to operate in an environment with low margins and rampant theft. Look at the ‘honor’ restaurants around the country that started off with ‘free’ food for needy people and an expectation of payment by others to support the cause. These have gone out of business after a year or so of struggle.

The socialist idea is that everyone will work for the common cause and be of benefit to everyone, come what may. Free food, housing, school, medical, transportation, utilities, day care for children and on and on.

So, if I work, I get all these benefits, but so does the slob next door who sits home all day in his chair watching tv and drinking beer. No job, not paying any tax for his government assistance.  

So, soon I think to myself that working 8 hours a day, 5 days a week sucks, so I choose to identify with my next-door neighbor and become slob #2.

How long and how many years does it take to change all the working stiffs into slobs? Everything is given to me for free without any need to get out of bed, get dressed and trot off to a job for the next 20 or so years. What’s not to like?

What happens then? What happens when there are more slobs sitting at home than there are folks working and paying taxes? Who produces the revenue needed to keep the lights on and the farmers paid to grow the food for all these unemployed people in the country?

Everyone complains about the cost of housing. Whether it is a rental house or one to be owned. But look at what has caused the rise in these costs. Higher labor costs. Higher costs for materials that require movement by higher labor employees. Demands on employers for better benefits which raise costs for the consumer. Who is going to buy a fast-food burger that costs $24 which is the price needed to justify a $30 per hour employee? No one, that’s who.

I am a history nut. I love great accounts of how strong men and women overcame adversity to succeed in all phases of history. You consider your life tough now because your computer is slow or the coffee was served to you lukewarm. Try cutting down a forest of trees and pulling up the stumps by hand or with an ox or cow so you can plant food to survive the winter. Then take the trees and saw and plane them down to make boards for you to build a house to live in. On top of that try walking some distances just for the water you needed each day.

Remember your grandparents and your great grandparents might have had to actually walk uphill in the snow to get to school each day.

There wasn’t a Starbucks on every corner during World War II. I suppose most of the depression era folks have died off by now, but heard my parents and grandparents talk about the unemployment in the country and how they had folks coming to their doors looking for food. Google up ‘depression’ pies and see what you get. Recipes using the most basic ingredients due to shortages or rationing during the war and the depression. These were difficult time for nearly everyone.

There wasn’t any complaining about the coffee not having enough sugar because there wasn’t any sugar.

Ths country has problems to be certain, but we still have the incentive and gumption to invent, create and produce products and services that benefit us all.

Having the government provide everything to everyone for free destroys capitalistic motivation and economic concepts for those willing to risk their lives and fortunes to try new concepts and ideas.

Margaret Thatcher once said… “The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people’s money.”

Well said and a lesson to be learned….remember to go vote.

See you next week…..Peary Perry