ELDERLY LESSON #2

 

ELDERLY LESSON #2…

Last week’s elderly lesson about the hazards of eating whole pods of garlic should have been labeled as ‘elderly lesson #1’. Today’s blog should be #2. You may want to start saving these as I am certain there will be lots more in the future.

Those of you younger than me (83) will need these educational tidbits once you advance into the elderly stage of life, trust me on this.

When you were young you received all kinds of information on life from many different sources. Your parents, your teachers, your family and books like ‘Dick and Jane’. There was a plethora of information coming to you almost daily. “Don’t run, watch for cars, tie your shoelaces, brush your teeth, wash behind your ears, don’t forget to flush”. Those things.

But, dear reader, is there any source of information available to us, the older silent generation? No, nothing other than at the doctor’s office they always remind us ‘not to fall’. Dang, I knew that ever since I was 3 years old. I needed more. Where’s my 1-800 Hot line to help me with questions like: when to start social security? Why is the hair in my nose and ears growing so fast? How to avoid scams? How to adjust the text size on my phone?

This situation has caused me to feel marginalized, disenfranchised, oppressed, and suffering from microaggression episodes due to this great social injustice.

What caused all of this?

A bath.

In the tub.

You laugh, you scoff, but wait until you get to my age and are faced with taking a tub bath after about 50 years. Then you won’t laugh as hard.

Which is why I am offering my advice on this problem. There was no one to give me any instructions nor any government pamphlets or YouTube videos of the proper methods.

These instructions will be most helpful, save them. Remember to do as we did when diving, “plan the dive, dive the plan”.

#1. Fill the tub AFTER you get into it. I didn’t, so my chubby butt plopped in, about 20 gallons of water plopped out.

#2. Be careful of your head placement, I didn’t and hit my head against the wall and the towel rack bringing an immediate response from my ever-attentive wife who sees the large puddle of water on the floor and goes for the towels and mop. Her vigorous activity caused me to lose my train of thought and serenity, ceasing my plans of singing, humming and chanting.

#3. Plan your entrance in the correct position. I entered (plopped) with the pull up bar behind my head (see #2). This made the pull up bar totally useless. Which as you see from the next hint was a fatal flaw in my situation.

#4. Plan your exit. Obviously, this had never occurred to me, so once in, I was forced to consider how I was to exit. First, I drained the tub (see #1) and as I started to get cold, tried to extricate myself from a rather deep bathtub. This, my friends is not easy for someone over 200 lbs. and not in tip top shape. I have always considered myself to be a sleek seal, but I am looking at a cross between a walrus and a sea lion. I cannot maneuver my way out of this thing. My wife cannot pull me out, the pull up bar is behind me, I am wet and I am cold and I am naked. Did I mention that I am naked?

Now, I could call one of my neighbors but dismissed that thought. I could call my son but would have to hear about it for the rest of my life. I thought about just lying there until dark and calling the EMT’s and asking them to come without any red lights or siren, because probably I’ll never see them again.

Fortunately, my wife solved the problem and brought up a chair which I used to pull myself up and out of this terrible predicament.

So here are my final thoughts,

#5. Keep your phone handy, you might need it. Put a chair within reach.

#6. If you are alone, leave a door or window unlocked so the EMT’s don’t have to break into your house.

#7. Finally, keep a blanket close by, you might get cold if you choose to wait until dark for the EMT folks to save you.

Save this…see you next week…Peary Perry

 

 

 

 

 

"TOO SOON OLD"....

 

“TOO SOON OLD…….”

“Too soon old, to late wise” was quoted by old Ben Franklin. Old Ben was right about this statement.

Regarding how this applies to me, let me explain something about me. I have been accused (wrongly) of being a hypochondriac for which I take great issue. The truth is at times I probably do over medicate myself. If the instructions say I should take one pill, I take two. I figure it will work better if I do so.

This is definitely not a wise thing to do and after this week, I swear I will read more about the things I ingest into this old body of mine. One of our famous boo-boo’s was the purchase of some so called ‘seaweed’ soap that was magically supposed to ‘wash’ the fat from your body. I didn’t buy one or two bars (was afraid they would run out) I bought a year’s supply. And can I tell you those bars lasted way, way more than one year. Obviously, they did not work. Do not buy anything on Facebook no matter how good it sounds.

My mind is always searching for something to improve my health.

So, I stumble across this article suggesting that a new ‘miracle’ cure is good for the following:

Arthritis, allergies, athletic foot, asthma, acne, anemia, and anxiety, alopecia.

And that’s just the ones starting in the letter ‘A’.

What could go wrong here?

All I had to do was to chew up one large pod of fresh garlic every day.

Sounds simple enough, right? Good health, simple solution.

This was posted by some ‘well known’ doctor, who will not give out his name for fear of being ostracized by his peers in the medical profession for releasing this little-known secret that greatly strengthens your immune system.

So, not one to shy away from a challenge, I got into the kitchen and promptly pop a big old bulb of fresh garlic into the old pie hole and think…’what a clever man am I’ for about 15 seconds.

DO NOT DO THIS AT HOME…IN FACT DO NOT DO THIS AT ALL.

Oh, my God. Jesus, Joseph and Mary. I need help. My mouth feels as if the entire Chinese army came marching through and decided to stay for a week or so. I am at a loss to describe how my entire mouth felt. The first thing I did was brush my teeth, three times, no help.

The next attempt was to gargle several cups of mouth wash, same result.

Ah, ha….lets try some strawberries. Nope, nothing there either.

Many glasses of water, forget it.

My loving wife senses the agony I have put myself into and wisely suggests cough drops.

Thank God this woman has more sense than me.

I sucked on those cherry flavored things for almost two days before that nasty taste finally left me. Needless to say, my morning cough has been cured in the process. A positive note to remember.

Recalling what old Ben’s advice was. I just hope I live long enough to stop doing stupid things to myself.

Probably will never happen, will it?

See you next week….Peary Perry.

I cannot see the screen that you get if you hit the ‘subscribe’ button, but if it says anything about ‘donations’ …just ignore it and subscribe for free. This column/blog/rant/whatever is free and helps keep my mind active. Thank you for reading.

 

 

 

 

 

YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID...

YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID---

I usually start thinking about these blogs a week or so in advance. It’s a hobby for me and keeps this old brain of mine moving and active. I was all prepared to go ballistic this week on the amount of fraud we are seeing in the news these days when an Amazon shipment arrived.

As you know I have started gardening and I ordered some buckets to put a couple of plants in for a while. Please note these are small buckets, but obviously due to some previous lawsuit they carried with them a sticker reading “DANGER DO NOT ALLOW SMALL CHILDREN INTO THIS BUCKET”

Now unless the ‘small child’ is under the size of a 10 lb. turkey, he or she is going to have a huge problem getting any part of their body in this bucket. Children smaller than 10 lb. turkey shouldn’t be wandering around outside by themselves anyway. Just saying.

So, looking around I got to noticing all of the ‘WARNING’ labels we see on the things in our lives. You and I both know these are the direct result of someone being major stupid and then suing someone for their own stupidity. Since we have a law firm on every corner it only proves that Americans will sue for anything, resulting in ‘WARNING’ stickers being applied to almost everything. Things that most of us with any modicum of common sense would be cautious about.

“Caution, Hot beverages are hot!” put on a coffee cup.. We all know where that one came from, don’t we?

“Do not use while sleeping” on a hair dryer.  Duh?

This was on an electric drill. “This product not intended for dental use.” Bet that hurt.

I love this one… “Do not drive with the sunshade in place”. On a sunshade for car window.

“Do not use for ear plugs” on a container of silly putty.

The Rowenta Iron company must have had a lawsuit resulting in their warning of “Do not iron clothes on body.”  Ouch!

Folks who have small children should not have any  children if they require a warning that reads “ Remove small child from stroller before folding it.”

“Not dishwasher safe” on a television remote. Never thought about it.

“May be harmful if swallowed” on a hammer.

Peanut company has a warning to everyone.. “May contain nuts.”

“This product is not for weight control.” On a package of Life Savers.

And I saved the best one for last… “Caution, the contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.” On a bottle of dog shampoo.

I have never been tempted to open the door on a moving train or unfasten my seat belt on a roller coaster. But I bet there are signs attached to those telling you not to do so since it is dangerous.

I truly believe that those of you who read my weekly musings will find these totally unnecessary and hopefully amusing. But I suggest to you that is it not sad to think that some of the very people who walk among us really do need information such as this?

At this point I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry.

See you next week…Peary Perry

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 YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID---

I usually start thinking about these blogs a week or so in advance. It’s a hobby for me and keeps this old brain of mine moving and active. I was all prepared to go ballistic this week on the amount of fraud we are seeing in the news these days when an Amazon shipment arrived.

As you know I have started gardening and I ordered some buckets to put a couple of plants in for a while. Please note these are small buckets, but obviously due to some previous lawsuit they carried with them a sticker reading “DANGER DO NOT ALLOW SMALL CHILDREN INTO THIS BUCKET”

Now unless the ‘small child’ is under the size of a 10 lb. turkey, he or she is going to have a huge problem getting any part of their body in this bucket. Children smaller than 10 lb. turkey shouldn’t be wandering around outside by themselves anyway. Just saying.

So, looking around I got to noticing all of the ‘WARNING’ labels we see on the things in our lives. You and I both know these are the direct result of someone being major stupid and then suing someone for their own stupidity. Since we have a law firm on every corner it only proves that Americans will sue for anything, resulting in ‘WARNING’ stickers being applied to almost everything. Things that most of us with any modicum of common sense would be cautious about.

“Caution, Hot beverages are hot!” put on a coffee cup.. We all know where that one came from, don’t we?

“Do not use while sleeping” on a hair dryer.  Duh?

This was on an electric drill. “This product not intended for dental use.” Bet that hurt.

I love this one… “Do not drive with the sunshade in place”. On a sunshade for car window.

“Do not use for ear plugs” on a container of silly putty.

The Rowenta Iron company must have had a lawsuit resulting in their warning of “Do not iron clothes on body.”  Ouch!

Folks who have small children should not have any  children if they require a warning that reads “ Remove small child from stroller before folding it.”

“Not dishwasher safe” on a television remote. Never thought about it.

“May be harmful if swallowed” on a hammer.

Peanut company has a warning to everyone.. “May contain nuts.”

“This product is not for weight control.” On a package of Life Savers.

And I saved the best one for last… “Caution, the contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.” On a bottle of dog shampoo.

I have never been tempted to open the door on a moving train or unfasten my seat belt on a roller coaster. But I bet there are signs attached to those telling you not to do so since it is dangerous.

I truly believe that those of you who read my weekly musings will find these totally unnecessary and hopefully amusing. But I suggest to you that is it not sad to think that some of the very people who walk among us really do need information such as this?

At this point I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry.

See you next week…Peary Perry

Hit that “SUBSCRIBE ” button. It’s free and you will make this old guy feel good by subscribing.

If you are afraid of me having you on a subscriber list, then just hit the ‘LIKE’ button.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

DO NOT BE---

 

DO NOT BE ------

"Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day." Jesus Christ

Wise words for all of us especially in times such as these.

The United States has a population of just over 345 million.

Now, consider these numbers:

People involved in politics at all levels of government- 519,682

People involved in the entertainment industry (media- movies- tv)- 4,400,000

People involved in academia all levels – 13,000,000

People involved in professional sports- 15,000

People employed by the government – 3,000,000

Total of the above = 20,900,000

This is .06% of our total population.

There are 1,450,000 websites in the USA.

Now look at how we form our opinions. We get our information from one or more of the above sources. We allow this small number of people to influence our daily thinking and create stress, anxiety, despair and worry over things we actually have very little control over.

We allow our brains to be filled with the opinions of newscasters, sports figures, movie stars and others who are motivated by influences beyond our knowledge.

Are they carrying a personal grudge or biases against some issue due to some event in their lives we know nothing about? Are they getting paid to slant their viewpoint one way or another by someone? Or worse, are they just ignorant of the facts since they did not care to fully investigate the entire situation from multiple viewpoints?

Diogenes, you may recall, lived about 300 BC. He was famous for carrying a lantern looking for an ‘honest’ man. So even this far back in time, men were searching for truth among others. Not any different from today, is it?

I suggest that we all heed the words of Jesus and save ourselves some grief and restlessness by looking towards the things and people in our lives that we can reach out and touch for their input and opinions. We can argue our points and listen to their viewpoints much more realistically than listening to some commentator or film star expound on something they know very little about.

Save yourself from worry and being anxious. Listen to those around you and let the others go.

It will less your anxiety and worry, trust me.

See you next week….Peary Perry

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WHO WAS FIRST?

 

WHO WAS FIRST?

Necessity is said to be the mother of invention.

But I do not think that invention is the same as discovery.

Obviously, things were invented due to Someone figuring out that something needed to be improved on or changed to make it better. For example, Eli Whitney discovered a better way to gin cotton than the manual way which had been done for hundreds of years. Obviously, that's an invention. The same as the electric light bulb was an improvement over oil filled lamps and candles.

But what gets me is how people discovered certain things over the course of history that had to be thought out before implementation. For example, let's look at sheep, here we have a shepherd out in the field with his herd of sheep. Was he the first shepherd that looked at all of the wool growing on the sheep and decided...” hey I can do something with that” and then sheared it off and converted it into sheep's wool for clothing? The same thing has to be said for the guy that tested out shark repellent. I mean who was dumb enough to actually jump in the water with man eating sharks and spread some repellent around to get rid of them?  Was this experiment #1 or experiment #10 and what happened to the first person?.

Old commercials used to use a young child by the name of Mikey and when kids didn't want to try something new, they would just say “let's give it to Mikey”.  So, I am wondering if the same thing happened, for example with oysters. Did someone open an oyster and decide to give it to Bruno or Zog and say “hey how about trying this and see how it tastes”?

Obviously, bread was made once wheat was ground up and mixed with water and then heated.  But who was the first person then came up with the idea of grinding wheat mixing it with water and trying to make bread with it? History doesn't tell us these facts, do they?

In addition, we have inventions which have been made by accident. For example the microwave. The story goes that an engineer was working on a microwave type device with a bar of chocolate in his pocket and he found that the waves from the microwave caused the chocolate to melt. Consequently, he carried the idea further and ultimately, we have the everyday appliance we use today in our kitchens. Same thing happened with the pressure cooker.  Somebody had to decide that it would be a good idea to make a steel pot and put items in it and then heat it up without it exploding. I wonder how many people were injured or were killed before this became perfected?

 The last item that I think confuses me as to who decided this was a good idea is the test for men for prostate cancer. Think about it, somebody had to be the first person to go to the doctor and have the doctor say “we've developed a new test” just bend over the table while I get my glove on. Who was the first doctor that decided to do this and who was the 1st person that accepted the doctor's opinion?

Men need to get start getting regular PSA checks at about 40. Prostate cancer is no joke; it is the 2^nd leading cause of cancer in men. Go get tested at least once a year.

These are the kinds of questions that I continue to research and hopefully we'll find the answers for you in the coming days.

As always have a good week and I'll see you next week. Peary Perry