JUST KICK ME.....

 

JUST KICK ME…..

 

As part of my civic responsibility, I feel it is my obligation to advise those of you much younger than myself of possible pitfalls they may encounter as they grow older. I consider these  bon mots to be form of a ‘public service announcement’ and thus they are tax deductions as well.

So, here it is: under no circumstances, and I mean zero, zip, nada, nein should you ever consider doing the following at one time:

Purchase a new cell phone, buy a new computer and new hearing aids all in the same month. In order not to waste any of your time, I will shorten each of these to CP, COM, HA. You should be able to figure out each from now on without much trouble.

Each of these devices operate on a multitude of Satan inspired little programs or doors called ‘apps’. Which is short for APPLICATIONS or God knows what. The CP, COM, HA all have these little ‘doors’ which require you to use a password to enter them and actually be able use them.

None of these are compatible with one another. I have had my old computer for over 8 years. One of the computer gurus in some place called Silicon Valley decided that since it was working entirely too well, they needed to change it all up and generate some huge profits so they could afford another mega-yacht for their mega wealthy friends and relatives. You can see these photos of perfectly muscled young men and bo-toxed women in various degrees of undress lounging in the sun on one of their many decks scheming of a new method to drive us crazy trying to operate their new systems. You never, ever see any photos of their overweight uncle Fred in a Speedo or their 89-year-old grandmothers in a bikini on their boats, do you? No, never. And you never will.

So, back to my problem. All of the ‘apps’ have their own special requirement for entry into their little app doors. Some want only a set of numbers, some want a capital letter and a series of numbers, some need a capital letter, a small caps letter and a number and finally, some want a symbol, a capital letter, a small caps letter and a number.

Ok, so you think to yourself… ‘I can do this’. So, you enter #345Mainstreet, that should do it, right?

Wrong, it says that you can’t use a password that you used 5 years ago. I can’t remember what I had for breakfast this morning, how am I supposed to remember what I used 5 years ago? So you keep trying until you get one that works, but the problem then becomes…how do I remember it since it doesn’t make sense or is tied to something I can remember. So what do you do?

You get little book and write it down. But wait, this could fall into the hands of the enemy (your brother-in-law) and wipe you out. What to do?

So, you write it in code. Backwards or not using the first 3 letters or numbers. But then you forget the code and have to write the instructions to the code down but that could fall into someone’s hands as well.

This practice leads to your attempting to memorize these many different code words which you need so you can hear (HA) or call someone (CP) or pay a bill or get an email (COM). Not using the absolutely correct password then requires you to change your password at which time they will send you an OTP (one time password) to your cell phone which you can’t open since you don’t have a password yet. So, you send this OTP to your wife’s phone. This number might be 4 numbers or 8 numbers and you have about 23 seconds after it is received to enter it into the space on your phone or it will become invalid. This number can be resubmitted to you in the next 5 minutes, not any sooner. Meanwhile nothing gets accomplished in any way shape or form.

At the same time, those mega rich guys with their perfect mates are ordering more lobster and have their yacht moved to take advantage of the sun.

Later tonight at dinner, they will decide to change to password requirements to include a smiley face of some sort.

And they just lay back in their lounge chairs and laugh and laugh.

I hate these guys.

See you next week…Peary Perry

FIRST KISS?

 

FIRST KISS?

 

So, the other morning, my wife and I were drinking coffee and somehow got off on the subject of our first kiss. Now, bear with me here, we have been married for 54 years and met 55 years ago, so we aren’t talking about last week here. This was a LONG time ago.

Oddly enough, she couldn’t remember, which was a surprise to me because I though women would always recall something eventful such as this.

I tell young men who are about to get engaged to be sure and record everything about the time you asked her to marry you. Get yourself a little notebook and write down a few of the following:

Time and place, weather, where you were standing or sitting, what you wore, what she wore, how did she wear her hair? How did you wear your hair? Did you have any hair? Did she have any hair? what you ordered if in a restaurant, how was it cooked? Was it gluten free? the waiters name, description of the waiter, where was the waiter from? what you thought of the meal, what kind of music was playing, was it loud? who was the president of the USA, what was the Dow Jones Index number? What flowers were in bloom at this time of the year, was she crying? Why was she not crying? Where you parked your car, did you have a car? Did she have a car? What kind of car? What color were the cars? Did the cars run?

Trust me, your time in writing down a few of these items will be of tremendous benefit to you in the coming years. You will need most, if not all of this information at some point in the future. Pay attention to my next point.

If you do not have this information when the subject comes up, she will make it up and you will lose the discussion. End of the story.

You cannot refute a statement without facts (or evidence) of your own. Because she doesn’t remember any better than you can, she will make statements that you are unable to correct without hard cold facts. It is also very advisable to place a date on your information so you can verify it’s authenticity and not just made up in the last few days.

You might refer to a historical event of some kind that you recall happening on the night you proposed. For example, if you said something along the lines of, ‘oh, yes of course I remember, it was the dinner at your parents house where your Uncle Fred fell asleep at the table and fell face down into the mashed potatoes.”

No one could forget that event unless Uncle Fred did this on a routine basis. In which case you need to tie the event into some super memorable news item that no one would ever forget.

“Godzilla attacks New York City, but is driven away by Batman” is an event you would likely be able to recall, but probably won’t happen. Ever. Again.

No, I’ll leave it up to you to tie your special day into something that won’t ever be forgotten. Use your imagination. Ok?

See you next week….Peary Perry

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BEWARE !!!!

 

BEWARE !!!!!!

 

If you should ever get a notion (as I have) to be creative and make certain food groups of your own for your family, please be advised.

THINK VERY HARD ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO.

As you know I am now retired and thus far I have attempted several different food related experiences with a variety of results which I will gladly explain as a public service announcement for which I think I can get a tax deduction this coming year.

Number one, if you are planning on attempting to make any of the following:

Cheese, butter, bread, jam.

I suggest you take my advice and look at the cost of your labor and materials in much the same way you would when buying a boat that you only use 3 times a year when your brother-in-law comes to visit and wants to go fishing for ½ a day. It is not cost efficient.

Cheese- I can buy a block of good cheddar for $5.24. The gallon of whole milk needed for the same amount of cheese costs $7.85. You are already in the hole before you start. Then you need cheesecloth to strain, a cheese press and various and sundry other chemicals to help the process. These various chemicals have a shelf life of about 13 hours from the time they arrive until they expire, and you will need new ones which can only be bought from the Cheese Institute of the World. If you have the milk and your chemicals ready you must start the entire cheese process within about 45 minutes, or everything will automatically go bad, and you must start all over. If you do succeed you will be forced to wait up to 6 months for the cheese to ‘cure’ to see if you did the process correctly.

Thus, I am a no-go person for trying to make cheese again.

Butter-  4 sticks of butter cost us $4.18 and requires nothing other than peeling off the wrapper. On the other hand, a carton of whipped cream costs $5.54 and requires a stand mixer with either a paddle or a whisk and several hours of your time to make the same 4 sticks. I initially used the paddle attachment as the video shows and after one hour switched to the whisk and got a sizeable amount of soft butter which firmed up after being in the refrigerator overnight. It had zero flavor.

Scratch butter from my list.

Jam-a jar of strawberry jam costs $2.62. Enough frozen strawberries to make the same amount costs $3.00 each. I need two bags of it, so my material cost for a product I can buy at $2.62 is $6.00 before any labor is required. I can’t even calculate the cost of the sugar and other stuff.

Needless to say, unless you are the government, this is not a workable effort.

Bread- I have saved the best for last. Do not, I say again do not believe the recipes you get on a hourly basis from some guy in Boise about his ‘fabulous’ bread. He is lying to you and wants you to subscribe to his substack account for only $5.00 a month. He has been making bread for about two weeks. No, use the recipe your grandmother wrote down on the cover of a 1956 Sears and Roebuck Christmas catalog. At this point in time, I am about 0-15 on my bread making efforts. It either doesn’t ‘proof’ right or it’s too dense or the crust didn’t harden or any of about 25 other things. Rye bread at our store is $4.45 a loaf. Bread flour is $5.86 a sack, so you are on the downside right there. But even if the cost of the materials isn’t too much out of whack, there are several other things to consider. You need a Dutch Oven, not a English oven or a French oven. Only one from Holland. Mine says ‘made in China’ but Amazon says it’s Dutch. Who am I to argue with Bezos? Then you must have a banneton basket to proof it properly. I am wondering how native Americans and cave men managed to get their water temperature at precisely 110 degrees, no more no less? Then you have to have a ‘lame’ to cut the bread before baking. A regular knife or razor blade wouldn’t do at all.

If you have the proper equipment and if you hold your mouth just right and if the moon is properly aligned with Venus and your room temperature is not too hot or too cold, you may end up with a pile of dough you can put in the oven.

Trust me, it is less stress and heartache to just buy this stuff at the store. I know, I know you don’t have the mental satisfaction of actually producing something with your bare hands, but it leaves you time to explore other venues.

Like gardening.

I’ll keep you posted.

See you next week… Peary Perry

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