Lord, Help Me....

 

Lord, help me if I’ve ever have to live by myself.

Having spent a few days these past weeks with some of my bachelor friends I can safely say that this type of life doesn’t seem to be good for them and I’m certain it isn’t for me. I don’t think I would survive for very long in that kind of environment. I need help. I need help all of the time. Not just some of the time.

I might also suggest these bachelor friends of mine need help, lots of help.

First off, let me clarify that these are old guys, not youngsters waiting to be married; all of these guys have been married and married again at some time or another. Their wives either died or left them or perhaps both, I’m not sure. I don’t really want to know either.

The first thing I notice is a lack of personal grooming skills. Most of these fellows have Brillo pads growing from their noses and ears. This stuff really starts to move on you as the years go by. I can almost hear mine getting longer each night. I have several sets of industrial size clippers to weed eat that stuff back to a presentable stage, but it takes time and effort. You can’t just let it grow or it will get away from you in a few short weeks. These men apparently never look at themselves very closely in the mirror. Perhaps their failing eyesight contributes to this issue.

Next is their clothing. They don’t wear pressed stuff. Some of their shirts look like they have slept in them. Not one of them knows how to iron. Wash and wear seems to be the order of the day. Old wash and wear at that. The towels smell musty and I suspect my friend washes them when they get stiff, but not before. . My wife rotates these on a regular basis. Bless her heart, I really do appreciate her. Especially after being around these guys for a day or two.

I spent the night with one of them and opened the refrigerator, this was a mistake. He had some old blue (or moldy) cheese, two partial six packs of beer, three cans of root beer, several carrots, a half-eaten apple and several cartons of milk. He also had some dog food, but no dog. I didn’t ask. There were some takeout food containers which I suspect could be used for a mold growth experiment without any trouble at all. A couple of the milk cartons looked solid and might be in the process of making cheese. Oh, yes, he had a roll of paper towels on the bottom shelf, next to what I think might have been a cabbage at one time. Then again, it might have been a human head, but I don’t think he is a serial killer, or at least I hoped not. Old guys do weird stuff.

A big screen television in every room, with two or three remotes for each set. One for the TV, one for the DVD and last but not least …one for the VHS. He probably has an eight-track player in there somewhere. My friend is like Diogenes …walking around the house always looking for the correct remote. I suggested he buy a universal one that worked all of the units, but he avoids new technology as much as possible unless it’s a new truck, then you can count him all in.

I went to dinner with the old guys group. This is an experience you want to avoid if at all possible. First off, if you must go…try to get to the head of the line to place your order. By the time this group gets finished eliminating the salt, fat, carbs, red meat, sugar, gluten, peanuts, spices of any kind, or non-decaffeinated coffee you are no longer hungry. They cannot place these orders without telling everyone within ten feet about their irritable bowel syndrome or recent colonoscopy.in many cases they want to show off their latest scars to anyone willing to see them.  The waitresses and waiters run to the other side ( some of the customers move to another table as well) of the room when this group starts to sit down.

These guys can manage e-mail but don’t do as good on texting, their fingers are too stiff. I would not be surprised if some of them still use film cameras.  One guy the other night  had a pager on his belt. I bet that industry is dead and gone. How did he get one anyway? I thought they quit making them years ago. Conversation doesn’t focus too much on technology as some of these guys still think their fax is very progressive. Most of the discussions concerned things that happened in the fifties and sixties and stayed there. It was like three hours of a History channel documentary. All we needed was Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan to top off the evening. I think I saw Elvis, but I’m not real sure. Several of the guys swore they saw him last week.

I’m being cruel, these are really nice guys and I’m picking on them. I just hope I never fall into this trap and stay there. I like my life and I like having a wife. I suppose they did as well at one time or another, but those days are long gone. They are probably wishing they had someone to fuss at them for leaving the toilet seat up all the time.

I know I’d miss my someone and I bet deep down they do as well. Or perhaps not, as they say…different strokes for different folks…

 

See you next week…Peary Perry

LT. ZORN REPORTS...

 

LT. ZORN REPORTS ….

 

To: Colonel Xerk, Planet Agent Assignment Commander, section4N

Report: Oct, 2016 (Earth time0

Translation code: use Lp#6759

Colonel…as you are aware I have been exiled to this forsaken planet for many years. I feel certain my exile was due to my perceived insult to the Supreme Commanders wife at the annual Galactic Star Ball. Obviously, I cannot recall my statement about the width of her posterior, but it was said as a jest and not intended to be overheard, unfortunately the music stopped just as I whispered the comment. Please convey my apologies to her, again.

As this part of the planet where I am marooned is going into what they refer to as ‘the election cycle’, I thought I would report on the complete madness of these so-called ‘humans’.

To me, none of this makes any sense to me at all. Apparently, it is perfectly acceptable for each and everyone of the persons vying for political office (they are called ‘candidates’) to lie about virtually everything without impunity. The process is called ‘an election’ and these elections are held at all levels of authority in what is called, ‘the government’.

Each and every ‘candidate’ will stand up in a crowd of humans either in person or on their various means of communication and boldly proclaim the following:

If elected, I will:

Reduce crime

Reduce taxes

Spend more money on social programs (this is conflicting with item #2)

Eliminate poverty

Clean up the environment

Stop illegal immigration

Allow foreign people to enter the country

Free medical care for everyone

Reduce excessive profits on businesses

Because we live in a different type of society, it is very confusing for me to understand just how the so-called government actually generates any method of revenue production to actually pay for all of these objectives. I have found that the ‘government’ actually functions as a result of its collection of these ‘taxes’ which are produced by entities known as companies or corporations as well as the citizens themselves. These entities produce products or services for which they receive currency and then are required to send part of their currency earnings to the ‘government’ so they can pay for services and benefits to the members of the society who do not choose to work and earn currency.

I am certain there is a hidden agenda to this concept as it would appear to me that at some point in time all of these citizens would choose to stop working and just be provided for by the ‘government’, who cannot actually generate any of the so-called currency necessary to complete this task.

Since my assignment here some 25 Earth years ago, I have been attempting to discover their hidden secret and just how it works. These humans must be smarter than we have imagined, otherwise they could very easily see for themselves just how unstable their entire plan is and how it is doomed to complete failure within a relative short period of time. They must know more than we think they know. We should not underestimate these beings.

As much as it pains me to say this, I would request to stay here for some additional time before you reassign me to some other black hole in the universe. I would like to observe how these ‘earthlings’ extricate themselves from this potential financial and economic disaster.

I think we should hold off on the proposed invasion of this species until I obtain more information on their secret plan.

These beings must be much smarter than we are giving them credit at this time. Any physical being that can stand up and distort the truth and reality over their means of communication (television, radio, internet, publications) to literally millions of their citizens and still get elected as their authorized leaders must have some nefarious, evil agenda that we cannot conceive of at this time.

We should not rush to judgement on these beings even though they appear to be frail and often silly in their appearances.

Therefore, I shall remain at my assigned post until I have more information to report to you.

Please give my regards to your family and please try again to express my apologies to the Supreme Commander’s wife once more.

Respectfully, your humble and obedient servant,

Lt. Zorn, (agent W4599)

 

 

 

 

 

 

PACKAGING....BAH

 

PACKAGING…BAH

A point I’ve made in the past concerns product testing. I would assume (perhaps falsely) that when a product is designed, before it’s put into production, someone (I don’t care who) actually tries to use it. Perhaps have steel enclosed cases for teenagers and tissue paper wrapping for old folks.  I know this may sound irrational, but just call me crazy, what do I care?

I mean to me this is only logical. But having said this I’m beginning to wonder if the word ‘logic’ and ‘common sense’ can be used in the same sentence. I know it can’t be when you say ‘government’…..you can never use ‘logic’ at the same time with common sense. It doesn’t work. I think it’s kind of like those spelling rules we learned in elementary school…..you know… ‘i’ before ‘e’ or something like that.

To prove my point let’s examine a few products I know we’ll all familiar with and that you can probably relate to:

Plastic cereal bags inside the box - The way I figure it, the intention of these bags is to insure freshness for something like two hundred years. I don’t know if there is an expiration date on a cereal box, but in my opinion, there isn’t any reason for one to exist. Unless you open one of these, there simply isn’t any way for air, water, moisture, steam, sweat, carbon dioxide or any other element to destroy the natural snap, crackle and pop of your favorite breakfast meal. The fact that you have to use something on the order of tin shears to open a bag should be an indication of how serious the manufacturer is about keeping their stuff fresh. If George Washington had these at Valley Forge, the ones unused could still be used in the ongoing conflict in the middle east.  

Speaking of tin shears, if you drink wine, keep those babies out on the kitchen counter. It seems the wine companies are sealing their bottles with tin and are almost impossible to cut open so you can get to the cork. Wine in a box is looking more and more attractive to me. Since the government tracks everything, I wonder just how many wine related injuries are reported each year?

Medicine bottles (see how easy it is for me to transition?) don’t need any comment as we all know how difficult these are to open. They are obviously ‘child proof’ but after trying open one where you have to squeeze and then press down or press down and then squeeze, you end up spilling the pills out on the floor and you think your dog has grabbed a couple and wolfed them down. So, you grab the animal, open their mouths and not finding anything, go back and try counting the pills to see if they are all there, of course everyone knows that loose pills on the floor get snapped up as quick as a wink. However, when you try to insert a pill into a dog, he will carry it around in his mouth for up to three days and then vomit it out on your pillow as you are trying to go to sleep. I’m careful with my vitamins and supplements and haven’t had this problem, but a friend of mine with E.D told me his dog embarrassed himself at a birthday party for their family. This is probably one of those urban legends.

Thank God for Spotify and Amazon Music. They have saved us from those open proof CD ‘jewel’ boxes? I’ve found the best way is to just take a hammer to one and smash it open, and then I buy another case for it from some electronics store. It saves me a lot of grief and frustration. Of course, you have to be careful that you don’t crunch the CD, I’ve done that a time or two.

I’ve saved the best for last. Those ‘clam shell’ cases that are used to package just about everything. Tin shears are not useful for these. You need industrial saws and drills; sometimes a sledgehammer is most effective. By the time you actually touch the product, you’re so mad and worn out… all of the joy of buying it in the first place has melted away and you’re hacked at yourself for getting all sweaty and frustrated over a piece of plastic. I realize these are designed to prevent theft, but couldn’t they work a deal out where they would actually open the box for you after you have paid for it? Who hasn’t cut their hands or fingers on one of these? A paper cut is sissy stuff compared to one of these.

My original point was that I don’t see how anyone in their right mind could package these things and then not try to see how easy or difficult they were to open. But there I go using logic again. If they do use any sort of product tester, they must be about fifteen years old and into heavy body building.

I was watching the nuclear buildup going on in Iran and I think I have stumbled upon a reason. Iran’s population is getting older and they need to build some sort of nuclear device to help their aging population open these Western packaging issues. We are to blame.

We might want to consider looking into this as well. Tin shears and electric saws don’t seem to be working for me.

What’s your solution?

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Thanks, see you next week…Peary Perry