HAVE A FEW LAUGHS ON ME

 

HAVE FEW LAUGHS ON ME….

 

In spite of the problem in Iran and with politics in general, I have managed to come up with a number of comments which I think might just bring a smile to your faces this week. These are compiled from information some friends have sent to me as well as my own observations on life in general. I trust you can identify with these and have a laugh or two.

Questions you just can't answer:

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

What are the handles for corn on the cob called?

Why do they put holes in crackers?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM’s?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If the plural of mouse is mice….why isn’t the plural of house….hice?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder.....

How fast do hotcakes sell?

Do prison buses have emergency exits?

If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?

How come you can kill a deer and put it up on your wall. but it's illegal to keep one as a pet?

How far east can you go before you're heading west?

How can something be "new" and "improved"? if it's new, what was it improving on?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

Why Does Pluto Live in a dog house, eat dog food, etc. but Goofy, who is also a dog, lives in a condo and drives a car?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and keep reading…..

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?

How come you never see a billboard being put up by the highway?

Bet you never thought about these:

Rotating your foot and writing a "6": If you lift your right foot and rotate it clockwise while trying to draw a "6" in the air with your hand, your brain gets completely tripped up and changes the direction of your foot

Sneezing with your eyes open: While popular myths claim your eyes will pop out (they won't), a sneeze triggers an involuntary reflex that clenches your eyelids shut

Licking your own elbow: It is anatomically impossible for 99% of people, requiring a combination of a ridiculously long tongue and exceptionally short upper arms.

Stop trying to do these and get back to work..

Enough of this for this week…..have a good week…

Peary Perry

NEXT WEEK IS...

NEXT WEEK IS….

Next week we’ll celebrate Memorial Day. Another national holiday to some but one that should be of major importance to us all.

Memorial Day is the day we’ve set aside to honor those who have died in the defense of our nation since its inception. All too often we use this day off from work as the start of summer without any regard to its meaning or significance. We picnic, barbecue, swim or do a multitude of other outdoor activities without taking even a moment to think about why we are observing the day in the first place.

If you go to this website: (http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0004615.html) you’ll find a list of all of the war casualties beginning with the Revolutionary War to the present. Total these up and it comes out to a little over 1,190,000 citizens of this country who have died in battle or as a result of a battle for our liberty. I haven’t been to any of the military cemeteries in Europe, but I have seen photos of the 1,000 of markers for some American who gave their life to allow you and me to have the freedoms that we enjoy. I have been to the Vietnam memorial in Washington, D.C. and that will certainly put a lump in your throat.

This is what Memorial Day is about. It isn’t about carpooling to a theme park or grabbing a choice table at the park. It’s about remembering those who died so that we can live in this country. It’s about giving some thought to how we remain free and enjoy our lives as a result of someone giving up their lives to protect us.

I am a veteran, but it isn’t me that should receive honor on Memorial Day, it’s those who did not get to come home. Those of us who survived celebrate ‘Veteran’s Day” in November.

In the past several years we’ve had several movies or television programs about war. “Saving Private Ryan” as well as “Band of Brothers” and the series…. “Pacific”. It’s my opinion these should be required viewing for all of our students at some point in their education. The only time anyone ever shot at me was when I was a cop and I had a hard time remembering how I felt at the time since the incidents were so brief. If you have seen any of the war productions, I think you will agree with me that they are probably the most accurate portrayal of an actual battlefield experience other than a documentary. I cannot see how anyone who survived those battles could easily sit through a screening of these films without having some sort of flashback. I have heard real war veterans tell me they had a hard time sitting through some of the movies. These will hurt your heart.

My Dad made the Normandy invasion on June 6th, 1944, but he never talked about it. After seeing these film productions, I think I can imagine why. The violence was so great and inhuman I think it would be impossible not to scar you for life with the imprint of death and destruction. It’s a wonder any of our men and women who did come home could ever function in civilized society again. Requiring our youngsters to see these films would serve to make them aware of the huge sacrifices others have made for our freedom. Certainly, we have issues and differences in this country between ourselves, but in the end we are Americans and we owe a lot to the people who died on our behalf.

The holiday was actually started back in May of 1865 in Charleston, South Carolina by a group of former slaves who had been freed as a result of the Civil War. A mass grave for Union soldiers was exhumed and their remains reburied in individual grave sites. Their memory was celebrated and called Decoration Day. A crowd of over 10,000 showed up for the celebration. The term ‘Memorial Day’ was first used in 1882 and was celebrated on May 30th, until 1968, when the Congress passed the Uniform Holidays Bill which moved three holidays to a specified Monday in order to make a three day weekend. The time for a moment of remembrance is 3pm on Memorial Day and all flags should be flown at half-staff until noon on this day.

I’m certain there are those reading my columns who may object to the thought that we should teach our youth about war and its horrors. My only comment would be that their freedom to object is given to them and to me as a direct result of the lives of the men and women who sacrificed their lives for all of us. Not just one or two of us, but for all of us. Our history is what defines us, we should never forget these heroes and certainly should think of them at least for a moment on Memorial Day, 2026 and every year thereafter.

© Peary Perry

"Crime does not pay, except"

 

"Crime does not pay ... as well as politics."
By Alfred E. Newman

Seems to me that Alfred E. Newman was that weird little guy from the old Mad Magazine comic books. Even though he is a fictional character, he sure got it right this time. Here we are at the beginning of the political season once again. As Americans we can eagerly look forward to another round of vigorous mud slinging, back stabbing, lying, cheating and scandal as the candidates get under way once again in their pursuit to lead this country. We'll probably get all of the aforementioned within the first year or so, leaving us more time to mull over which candidates are the most convincing in their efforts to sway the undecided voters in our nation.

Don't be fooled into thinking it's the Republicans or the Democrats who will decide who will lead us because it isn't. The Democrats will exercise their votes for their candidate no matter what. The Republicans likewise. Those who voted Republican and those who voted Democratic are not likely to change their minds, no matter what, you can forget that idea.

No, the deciding vote in this election will be those who are currently undecided. Those are the votes that will make the difference. Those are the voters that each party will be courting for the next five; count 'em, five months until November gets here. This is also the group who have somehow avoided what each of our political parties has been doing for many months. How you can avoid liking or disliking the political activity in this country is beyond me. Various polls recorded 15% of our voters are ‘undecided’. I didn’t realize this many people lived in areas so remote in this country that they can remain ignorant of our political situations.

So, just sit tight and get yourself prepared to see nothing but political posturing along with family pictures with lots of dogs and 'the little people'. Then you'll see long shots of various candidates looking as if in deep concentration over some worldwide dilemma in which their decision might just mean the end of human existence, as we know it. In addition, we must survive the debates and the interviews with all of the networks talking heads. Now, some of these I find amusing since they ask questions, which are impossible to answer or for any normal person to be prepared to handle.

These are along the lines of:
Interviewer (I): "So, if you're elected Senator, how would you handle the effects of an oncoming collision with an asteroid the size of Rhode Island?"
Potential contender (PC): "I'm glad you asked that question, Steve…I've prepared a study (unrolls a large chart) showing what we should do under my leadership once I'm elected."
I: "Your chart is blank…."
PC: (Looking astonished) "Well, so it is Roger, that's because my Blue Ribbon Select Asteroid Emergency committee is developing an exit strategy for Rhode Island as we speak, something my worthy opponent hasn't even started to think about. We'll unveil our twenty-five-point plan in December."
I: "But, that's a month after the election."
PC: "Of course, it is…. John, you can't expect us to announce this daring new and innovative idea BEFORE the election, can you? Our worthy, but slimy opponent might steal it and try to use it for themselves.
I: "Moving on, can you share with us your vision for improving the economy in this country?"
PC: "I'm so glad you asked that question, Sean, which is one very intelligent question that deserves an answer."
Time passes. Nothing but silence from the continually smiling, pointing and waving candidate.
I: "I'm sorry but I didn't hear your answer."
PC: "Well, Tom, without telling you too much of our plans ahead of time, I will say to you that when I am elected we will be able to add another 500 million new jobs to our current economy. This should bring us back to full prosperity and make us the envy of the free world."
I: "That's a very ambitious plan, but we only have a current population of about 350 million people in the entire country, including children, where would you get all of the people to fill those jobs?"
PC: "Well, Peter…that's a secret you and the rest of the country will just have to wait to hear about…but I will tell you this, consider what would happen if we annexed either India or China. All those jobs would be ours once again. This is a bold new vision for America. One I heartly embrace. As a bonus, we would greatly expand our tax base.”
I: "Yes, well, I suppose we'll just have to wait to see how all of that shakes out…. One final thing, sir do you plan on debating your opponent?"
PC: "I'm so glad you asked that… Andy, we have asked the other side for a debate to be held each and every night at 9PM  before the election, but so far they have not responded to our challenge. It just goes to show you they are yellow liver lilied Commie cowards of the first order and cannot or will not respect the will of the American people."

So there you have it folks, some six months from now, it will all be over. About the same time, it takes a baby sheep or a goat to be conceived and born. Instead of watching these idiots talk about nothing, get a goat or a sheep going for you, wool and free grass cutting can be in your future.

There's a thought….

Be good to yourselves

See you next week…..Peary Perry