BEWARE !!!

 

BEWARE !!!!!

If you plan on getting old, save yourself and don’t read any further. It will depress you.

The largest organ in your body is your skin and at some point, in your life it begins to become your enemy. I think this is about age 10 or so. Maybe later, who knows?

Anyway, you will have to find yourself a doctor called a ‘dermatologist’ otherwise known as a ‘skin’ doctor. Mine is named Dr. Bruno Doom Jr. Just kidding, but it could be. He went to medical school in Transylvania or was it Pennsylvania. I forget.

But back to my story. Your body starts doing strange things to you for no reason at all, other than you are getting older. You will develop these waxy things that grow on you in strange place called barnacles. Dr. Doom has a medical term for them and says they aren’t harmful, but they bug me, and I want them gone.  Sometimes they just drop off on their own. You are having a wonderful dinner and your dinner companion makes a casual statement along the lines of …. “ I think some part of your forehead just fell into your soup.” Trying to find it in a bowl of vegetable soup is useless, so you move onto the next course as if nothing has happened. I suggest you ignore the comment rather than saying something like… “ I know, it happens all the time.”

You will start to have liver spots, which have nothing to do with your liver and just appear on your head, hands and any place not covered by clothing. Any part of your body that is covered by clothing seems to be immune to any age-related spots or ugly places. So, I suppose you could just start wearing a heavy-duty garbage bag over your body starting at age 10 and you might look better when you get to be 80 or so. Of course, this will probably limit your ability to enjoy dating or having dinner with someone. But you won’t have to worry about anything falling into your soup, will you?

I don’t have time to discuss warts, skin tags, bruising, moles and all of the other maladies that you can look forward to experiencing. I will discuss the phenomenon of profuse hair growing in older men’s ear and noses in a later column. There simply isn’t enough space for this in this column. How are women spared this tragedy? I need to delve into some heavy research to find the answer to this age-old question. I will tell you that there are some reports of men having hummingbird nests built into their ears. I will investigate and get back to you on this.

Dr. Doom tries to cheer me up by saying these are ‘wisdom’ spots. By now I should be able to find a cure for cancer or find the way to make nuclear fusion. I think he prevaricates about this.

All I know is that I am a happy camper if he just freezes these things off using some device that emits a -400 degree frozen spray onto the spot de jure. If I can walk out without having anything biopsied then I consider it to be good day. The word “biopsy’ comes from the Greek meaning ‘a test to see how much longer you have to live.”

As for me I think it is too late to cover myself up with a 3 mil contractor garbage bag, but for your younger readers they are on sale right now at Wal-Mart.

See you next week….Peary Perry