Letters from North America
I’m certain some of you have experienced what I call déjà vu when it comes to sermons or conversations…..you hear something one day and then almost the same thing from a totally different source a day or so later. When writing a column you’ll find this happens around the holidays, for example if I write about Christmas, Thanksgiving or the Four of July, so do a lot of other people in the country. The reason I bring this up is that this morning I was set to write a column outlining some of the past events of the year when I got an e-mail with a column written by my friend Dave Barry. I call him my friend since I sent him something years ago and he sent me a signed postcard on which he had written… “You go, guy…your friend Dave”. I thought I had saved it but just now I see that I must have misplaced it and there is a US Army decal in it’s place. I’m not sure exactly what that means.
Anyway, I’ll try not to repeat a lot of the things Dave covered, but some of the things he wrote about will be somewhat similar for this column. I know that’s confusing, but bear with me anyway, it should turn out alright before I finish. I’m not going to go in any sort of monthly order, but just hit some of the highlights of 2009.
The current news concerns the activities of the so-called ‘panty bomber’. I suppose this shows a sign of progression from the Unabomber to the Shoe Bomber and now some Nigerian who stuffs his underwear with an explosive. In my opinion his escape plan left something to be desired. Next up on the agenda should be the bra bomber. The initial reports indicate that the suspect in this case may a disgruntled Nigerian who received a letter telling him he was in line to receive a large amount of money from the Last National Bank of Detroit and only had to send in his name, bank account numbers and four major credit cards to claim his fortune. Once he found out this might be a fraud he decided to take things into his own hands or… other parts of his body.
The head of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano is reported to be changing the security measures at the airports to require passengers to arrive wearing only thongs or bathing suits. Industry experts predict that this may cause a major drop in passenger traffic which will require another government industry bailout. According to the White House the government bailouts issued in 2009 have all been wildly successful. First we had Cash for Clunkers in which Americans were urged to give up their American made automobiles for cash and a new foreign car. How this was to help the American auto industry is still unclear, but nevertheless the program was declared to be wildly successful. Cash for Caulkers is the same principal only for appliances and weatherizing homes and residences. The state of Florida reports that over 2,500 homeless citizens have received nearly 132 billion dollars in rebates just for upgrading their cardboard boxes with Saran Wrap and duct tape The White House is issuing a memo next week about this wildly successful program. On a more serious note, the White House has issued another sternly worded first class, special delivery letter to Iranian President I’madinnerjacket. Although the letter was not written by the President, it was actually signed, in blue ink by President Obama. The contents of the letter was not disclosed but spokesmen at the White House says the tone was ‘wildly successful’.
In other news, several member of Congress are favoring changing the face on the Statue of Liberty to that of Michael Jackson. A decade of mourning has also been proposed with the caveat that right wing extremists’ talk show programs be forced to play music from the Thriller and Billy Jean for each hour they are broadcasting on the radio.
One good item did occur as a result of the government bailouts. The Bernie Madoff investment scheme was uncovered when Mr. Madoff began to recommend that all of his clients buy stock in General Motors. This caused a lot of suspicion which untimely led to his arrest and conviction. Previous promises of 105% returns had not aroused any such inquiries. Several investors stated… “We had no clue” that anything was wrong.
Other than the usual number of politicians who managed to get into trouble and not be convicted as well as the number of women who have been seen with Tiger Woods, the year was fairly quiet. The jury is still out on what we can expect for 2010. I’ll probably have to save up two columns for next December.
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